At a young age/I became petrified of dying prematurely/fearing I’d be met with a fight/that I’d be forced to succumb
For anxious folks like me/it’s a tale as old as time/the more control that we lose/the more fragile our tempered hourglass/begins to feel
In those days/I convinced myself that I would live to be 100/and promised my soul/that I would keep it safe at all costs
I was indifferent to living a life worth living/with foreign bodies nonconsensually entering me/I only allowed myself short shallow breaths/during moments of non-existent pause
With legs that felt stuck in quicksand/and colons as blocked as my heart/stricken hands held what little I had together/as my mind, far from sane, tried to do its part
Time began to fall out of line with me/never giving me enough hours during my fantasies/always giving me too much when I was no longer in make believe
Unsurprisingly/despair and overwhelm replaced my enthusiasm and delight/the sparkly light and head back laughs/others had become accustomed to seeking/were hidden/no where to be found
Made worse/few noticed my spiral into nothingness/my reluctance to dream and proceed/a life of my own/like my innocence/all but gone
I was still commended for my cheerfulness/my inner child’s attempt to play pretend/when I wasn’t free to play/barely able to speak
Having been previously adored for my silver lining attitude/a source of entertainment for many/a girl resolute to find a positive spin/secretly floundering in chagrin
The days of waking up long before dawn/eager to see what day that I’d meet/were replaced with a reluctance to leave my bed/rarely ever before dusk
My understanding of myself/my understanding of this world/my understanding of my body/like the sand in an hourglass/began to quickly run thin
Yet/as you meet me today/in present day/I can now see how my sorrows influenced the woman I have become/but to me they are mere moments/not the focus of this picture/I vow to frame
As I finally occupy a space
And witness others in this place
They thought
And intended
And attempted
To miss out on.
I may not look at a rainbow with the same innocence and glee
Of a much younger me
Who believed in its omnipresent nature and was confident in its spectrum.
For now, I meet it with wonderment and curiosity of just how far its colours may stretch
Where on this earth and in my heart it may touch.
I experience moments I thought I would never see again
An elderly duo cherishing each other, a giggling baby overcome with its own contentment.
A boisterous dog with something to say, a heartfelt song sang with intensity beyond the moon
And I feel waves of emotions I thought would never find my shores.
I see leaves change and it leaves me speechless
At the way the wise old tree somehow knows
That parts of it must die to unearth the newness held inside
Not seeing it as a meaningless, wasteful death of itself.
I feel the loving care of my creatures and I don’t want to instinctively pull away
For fear that getting close to them may mean hurting us both,
Knowing now that the depth of my humanness is what they crave,
Confident there are many risks in this lifetime but loving me isn't the worst kind of pain.
I have days when I open my eyes and do not dread the chance to see what may come my way,
No longer fearful that life may incapacitate me
Or destroy the seeds of reprieve I have carefully sowed,
Petrified once again that I will be buried before I ever have the chance to feel the sun.
These days I am left wondering if the darkness within me
Has always co-existed with the loveliest parts of my being
Long before I had the words for the thoughts in my head and stories in my body.
For maybe back then the dream of an expansive life brought peace and promise
Unknowing hope that I would maybe get to the good part.
That maybe I would find solace and fortitude,
That maybe I could cultivate a life and community for myself
That I would never, ever want to leave.
I am grateful to myself, to my people, to my fellow humans
Who have at times doubted this opportunity.
The ones who have defied the odds
Found calmer waters
Found warmer beds
Found softer places
To lay down their head
Instead of believing that they were better off for dead.
I salute the human in me and the human in many
That questioned what may be etched on their stone.
I commend us for existing within the dash, not some definitive slash
For believing in the souls we lovingly and fearfully keep
That we may meet a dynamic tomorrow
Introducing ourselves to the world with bold and brave titles
Like
Little Miss Almost Missed This.
Beth Aerts-Ives is a disabled, neurodivergent therapist who uses story telling as a way to make meaning of the beauty and messiness that is life. Words have always been her safe place to land and an expression of her most intimate experiences without fear or judgement.
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